This Is Me, Now

Whats going on everybody?

It's becoming a trend for us to have to apologize for the lack of posting every time we post. I'm realizing, however, that that shouldn't be necessary at all. Anyone who reads our blog should be able to sympathize/empathize with us, and I'm sure they/you can forgive us for our infrequency with the hope that all will be explained/made up for in each post. Hopefully I can do a little bit of that.

As my first real post of the New year, I think it's necessary for me to give you guys a little status report of my life thus far. My first semester of college was the definition of a learning experience. Though I'm used to living in high pressure academic environments, I was naive for thinking that my freshman year wouldn't/couldn't throw anything at me that I couldn't overcome with some amount of ease. One of my most difficult challenges was one that I did not expect: learning to swim as the small fish in the big pond. It's a tough thing when you've become accustomed to knowing everyone and everything around you. While I won't say I feel invisible or even unnoticed here, I will say that I definitely do feel like its all too easy to blend into the crowd.

Now, before you jump to conclusions and think I'm miserable, let me say that not only do I love my life at this point in time, but that same sense of invisibility is also really comforting. Joe Budden once said "My anonymity is my protection," and I'm really starting to see the truth/merit in that mindset. There's something really comforting about knowing my every move/word/action/decision is not being closely monitored and judged. I can go to a CUSH (Columbia University Society of Hip-Hop) meeting, freestyle my ass off, and then slip out the door with my headphones on and melt into the busy New York City environment with complete ease. It's kinda nice when people come up to me and say, "Damn! You killed it last night" and then walk off with out even knowing my name. A genuine and unforced compliment from a complete stranger is worlds apart from a halfhearted and almost facetious "Dude, that freestyle was sick!" from the person who sits across from you in Humanities, chapel or math. It's easier to keep it real when you don't feel obligated to be a "great guy".

I can't talk about my college life thus far without mentioning my relationship. "Mami" and I have been together for almost a year now, and I can honestly say that it has been the greatest, most stressful, peaceful, turbulent, important and blessed year of my life. I learned that its one thing to have a girlfriend, but living with her is a completely different story. While distance, if even it is from one dorm to another, can put varying amounts of stress on a relationship, it also acts a sort of buffer between both parties. When (essentially) living together, that buffer is completely removed and the only things standing between you two are air and your schedules. In such an environment, nothing can be hidden, nothing can go unnoticed. Whether you like it or not, you gain a pure and unadulterated view of the person who you call your significant other. And, after 11 months and 12 days, I've learned that if the love's not there, then nothing is, and nothing will be. Thankfully, I can say that we are going as strong as ever, despite how things may seem to our unlucky neighbors who hear the highlights of our occasional disputes and resolutions, and I know that as long as we stay invested in us, that won't change.

One of the most interesting aspects of living in such proximity to the one you love is that they become a sort of unbiased mirror. After all this time, I can honestly say that I've learned almost as much about my self from this relationship as I have about her. I've learned that it's not what I say, but what I do. One of the greatest lessons that I've been taught is that my internal self doesn't always express itself externally. What I think is a peaceful, welcoming look may actually be a cold, unapproachable stare. These are all new discoveries for me, and being that I'm not perfect, far from it actually, the best I can do is pledge to make an honest effort to step in the right direction. As much as it may upset her, I cannot guarantee change, only ever increasing effort. I've learned that a relationship is a process, a team effort, and in order to get the best out of it, I must be willing to put everything I can, and then some into it. As long she's down for the ride, I am.

That's it for now. I know there's a lot I didn't cover, many areas i didn't explore/explain. It's all good though. All in time. All in time.

-Lubeen

As always,

Pax, Amor et Musica